WRITER’S NOTE: I recognize that there are countless labels for our identities within the larger LGBTQIA+ community. However, because of its intersection with sexual identity and gender expression, throughout this piece I’ve used “queer” and “queer wedding” as umbrella terms for those who don’t identify with heteronormativity, and/or those who have non-binary or gender-expansive identities.
As a queer woman, I cringe when I hear phrases like “gay marriage” or “queer wedding.” Would you go to a straight wedding and tell the couple how happy you are to see them getting “straight married?” No, you wouldn’t, because that’s a very weird thing to say.
Fundamentally, there’s no difference between a queer wedding and a straight wedding. Both involve two consenting adults getting up in front of family, friends (and whatever higher power they believe in) to declare their love for each other. We sign the same marriage license and claim the same tax exemptions. So in this way, a wedding is a wedding is a wedding, right?
Yes and no. As with anything, it’s the nuances that set a queer wedding apart from the rest. Most notably, wedding traditions are inherently gendered. And not all traditions translate easily from straight weddings to queer ones.
Check out these seven ways for queer couples to reinvent the traditional roles and structure of a standard wedding. (And let’s be real — there’s stuff in here that straight couples might want to consider too. Y’know, in case you’re not down with the archaic patriarchal traditions modern marriage was based on.)
1. Poppin’ the Question
Every marriage starts with a proposal. For straight couples, decades of rom-coms have given clear instruction on how to get straight engaged. The man buys a ring and asks his prospective bride-to-be’s father for permission. Then, at a nice restaurant (or IDK, the Jumbotron at a football game), he gets down on one knee and pops the question. She cries, nods yes, they kiss, and the surrounding crowd cheers and claps. Sadly, in real life, two non-binary folks are unlikely to get the same response on the Jumbotron.
Fortunately, part of the beauty of being in a queer relationship means you don’t have to deal with outdated gender norms. When the time feels right, you can just ask. If your relationship feels like it’s headed towards marriage, have a conversation about what you both want. Do you want to do the asking? Do you want to be asked? If you plan on asking, find out if your partner wants a public proposal or prefers something private.
Here are some other “non-traditional” ideas to think about:
- Double Proposal: Maybe you both want to be the asker. If so, plan a special day together, or make it a weekend getaway.
- To Ring or Not to Ring: You don’t need a ring to propose. Many couples observe their commitment to each other with necklaces, watches or other symbolic expressions. Pro Tip: resist the urge to mark the moment with a tattoo in the moment. Trust me on this one.
- Ring Shop Together: I am a big fan of engagement ring shopping as a couple. Make a whole day of it with a fancy lunch and window shopping until you find the right ones.
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2. Ditch the Wedding Party Labels
Just like the pronouns “she” and “him,” terms like “bridesmaids” and “groomsmen” aren’t gender-inclusive. Don’t let gender define the roles at your queer wedding. It’s 2022, and it’s not unusual to have a mixture of men, women and gender-expansive individuals in your circle of close friends — or chosen family. What’s important is that you surround yourself with the people you’re closest to, no matter their gender.
As for labels, that’s up to you. A friend of mine called her wedding party the “I Do Crew,” while other folks I know went with the simple “wedding attendants” and “person of honor.” No matter what labels you give your party, remember that a wedding is a huge undertaking and these folks are there to help you along the way. Choose the people who will do that best.
Looking for wedding party gifts? Check out these offers on personalized gifts for you whole “I Do Crew!”
3. Pick Inclusive Vendors
Let me start by saying that, on the whole, most wedding vendors — venue owners, cake makers, florists, etc. — are lovely people. They’ve chosen a profession centered on helping people celebrate love, and a majority truly believes love is love. Sadly, though marriage equality is the law of the land, private businesses are still legally allowed to discriminate against the LGBTQIA+ community.
For many of us, coming out in the first place was a difficult process. And “coming out” again to strangers (like a venue owner or a cake baker) can be a triggering experience. Fortunately there are numerous resources out there to help you find vendors who want to celebrate love in all its forms. Publications like Dancing With Her, LGBT Weddings, Wedding Wire and many more keep a robust index of reputable vendors who know how to make your day as special as it should be.
4. Your Batchelor/ette/x Parties
This may surprise you: traditional “bachelor” and “bachelorette” parties are an extremely gendered thing. I just got back from Austin and it seemed like everywhere we went there was a gaggle of screaming younger women, decked out in pink, surrounding a slightly/very drunk woman adorned in any number of glittery penises. And well, that’s definitely an option, but if you’re not all that into sparkle dicks — or screaming in public — here are some other ways to celebrate with your “I Do Crew:”
- Personalize the Experience: Make your marital send off a reflection of your personality. For example, if you love the great outdoors, rent a cabin for the weekend. If the arts are your passion, plan a weekend on Broadway with shows and fine dining.
- Get Fancy: Weddings are expensive, and you might not have the budget for a weekend getaway with the crew on top of everything else. Fortunately, you can still make the occasion a special one. Companies like Rent the Runway let you borrow high-end couture outfits at a nominal price. Make a reservation at a fancy restaurant and enjoy a night out with your closest friends.
- Host a Joint Party: Many couples choose separate parties because they have separate groups of friends. But within the LGBTQIA+ community, there’s a lot more overlap in the friend circles. If that’s the case for you, talk to your partner. It might make more sense (especially for your budget) to have one big party, rather than two smaller ones.
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5. What Are You Wearing?
For straight couples, wedding wear follows specific dress codes, but for queer couples or gender-expansive individuals, the rules aren’t fixed. Will there be two dresses? Two suits? One suit and one dress? When it comes to dressing for your wedding, remember that everyone has their own style and ultimately it’s about what you’re most comfortable wearing. Here are some ways to stay ahead of those dressing-up dilemmas before the big day:
- Pick a Color Theme: Maybe you’re not into the super matchy-matchy outfits, but picking a color palette to stick to will ensure your ensembles harmonize, no matter what styles you each settle on.
- Match It Up: Maybe you and your spouse-to-be have a similar style. If so, create a cohesive look with matching suits or dresses. But be sure to have them tailored. Well-tailored clothing can be the difference between looking like a fly couple, or looking like siblings mom dressed for Easter portraits.
- Go Shopping Together: Lots of couples enjoy shopping for their wedding wear together. It helps them keep from clashing, but it’s also helpful if one of the pair isn’t as fashion forward as the other.
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6. Walking Down the Aisle
In traditional ceremonies, the bride walks down the aisle with her father. And while that was originally a practice that came from transferring ownership of a woman from father to husband, modern interpretations have expanded the meaning. Today it can symbolize a parent giving their blessing to a union, or walking their child into adulthood. It can be a very loving gesture.
But for those without a loving and supportive family to usher them into their next chapter of life, this tradition is difficult to navigate. If this practice doesn’t fit with your wedding, or it makes you sad, here are some ways to transform the moment:
- Tap Into Your Chosen Family: Being queer is amazing for so many reasons, but not the least of which is we get to choose who we call family. Your genetic family may have tossed you out for being who you are, but I bet there are plenty of people in your life who would be proud to walk you to the altar.
- Your Partner’s Parents: Having your in-laws-to-be walk you down the aisle is a beautiful way to symbolize their welcoming you into their family.
- Walk With Your Partner: Whether you’re taking turns walking down the aisle or your walking arm-in-arm together, both choices are great ways to symbolize the big step you’re taking together.
- Ditch the Altar Altogether: Circle ceremonies can be a good way to change things up. As the name suggests, guests sit in a full or semi circle around the couple. This type of arrangement lends an air of intimacy to your wedding and does away with the whole “how do I walk an aisle” problem.
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7. Other Symbolic Acts to Consider
Queer couples were coming up with their own ways to symbolize a union long before legal marriage for all was law. Born out of necessity and love, these symbolic acts are still incorporated into ceremonies today. For example, “Jumping the Broom” was a custom forced on enslaved Black people throughout the 18th century. This practice has been reclaimed by some modern couples as a nod to their ancestors and a symbol of their nuptials. Here are a few other symbolic traditions to consider:
- Handfasting: This practice dates back to the early pagans. The couple crosses hands and the officiant, a family member or a friend binds their hands with a ribbon to symbolize their union and bond.
- Unity Sand Ceremony: The couple receives two jars of differently colored sand that are then poured together into a vase to symbolize the blending of the couple’s lives.
- Unity Candles. Two candles — representing the couple — are lit at the beginning of the ceremony. At the end of the ceremony, both candles are used to light a larger votive, symbolizing the merging of the couple’s lives.
- Ring Warming: Rings are passed from guest to guest with prayers or kind thoughts given over them. When it comes time to exchange rings they’re warmed with the love and affection of all your friends and family.
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Nora Allen is a native Northern Californian living in Chicago, IL with her two dogs and some mild anxiety. She studied philosophy and studio art in college and, despite her family’s worst fears, she still managed to find a job after all. When not sitting behind her computer screen for work, she can be found behind her phone screen looking at pictures of food and other peoples’ dogs. Nora’s like a hobbit in that she’s short and enjoys a good second breakfast, but that’s pretty much where the comparison ends. Finally, she is the author of three abandoned blogs and one children’s play called “The Bunny Capers” that may or may not still be included in ACME Theatre Company’s regular summer curriculum.
